Sunday, 30 November 2008

Motivation.

... because sometimes we lose sight of our goals, and we need others to lead us back to the right track.


I need to be inspired.


Seriously.


I've come this far, and I can't handle just ONE MORE DAY???


This is ridiculous, it's not even one day. Even one hour.


I can't bring myself to sit down and STUDY for... okay, let's not even talk about one hour. For 15 minutes.


I kid you not.


I don't like Chemistry so much anymore. =.=


But it's the last hurdle! The last effort I'll have to make...... at least for another 2 months or so.


Come on, come on, brain, why are you not working??



Don't give up on me...
I've worked too hard, and for too long on this.. I can't give up now!!!


Just.


One.


More.


Day.



AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH !!!!!!!


Iron-hard will.. forsake me not.


One. More. Day.









You've done it once before.. who's going to do it for me now?
Is that your way of not giving me hope?

Friday, 28 November 2008

FIRE!

... because when that happens, you DO SOMETHING *hint*cough*carmen*cough*hint* about it, not just scream.


OMIGOSH.


I haven't had this much excitement in.. quite a while. So there I was right, happily cooking my chicken. And then my handphone rang, so I picked it up. So I was talking for something like a minute, then the house phone rang. Carmen picked up the phone, it was Ning Mao. I said hold on a second, and Ning Mao said she'd come at 6 something. So that was okay. Then just as I was about to go back to the conversation on my handphone, Carmen screamed.




"Caitlin!!!!! Caitliinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!"


"What, what, what??"

"Caitlin faster faster got FIRE!!! WHAT TO DO?????"


"What fire, where got fire?"

"Shit faster Caitlin fire what to do??"


*caitlin turns around and sees the fire*

"**** fire!!!!! *screams into phone* I call you back later bye!"

"Caitlin fasterrrrr what to do???"

"I don't know, put water!!"

*grabs empty cup, fills it with water, splashes it on the fire*


While Carmen continues screaming. =.=


Okay, so yeah, basically had to douse the fire three times before it sort of went out. But OMIGOSH. My heart is still beating so fast man. XD


STRESS like anything, I tell you.


But oh, it was HILARIOUS.


Who sees a fire, and just stands there and screams, asking what to do??















Carmen, apparently.



*rolls on floor laughing*




I'm never going to let her forget this for the rest of her life.


I swear, my roomate invigorates my life.


She makes my life interesting.


Whether that's a good thing or not....... I have yet to find out. If I die early, you'll know who to look for. =)


She's staring at me now with attempted sad puppy dog eyes. Threatening me with, and I quote - "But then Terence they all will never let me forget it for the rest of my life.. After I cry ar........"


So to compensate for putting up the story on my blog, I have to put two nice pictures of her, apparently. So here goes.







TO THE BIMBO WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WHEN THERE'S A FIRE....








And to the roommate who makes my life *cough*interesting*cough*..

Interesting being a relative term..





At least she noticed there was a fire.

She gets credit for that.

=.=


And no, we didn't set the smoke alarm off.


I'm going to have nightmares about fire tonight.









Damsel in distress? =P

Decisions.

... because, well, what if you don't make the right choice?





Everything we do, every single day, is all because of decisions we've made in the past. The past being a second ago, a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year, a decade.. And the decisions we're making now will become one of those decisions we've made in the past, and will affect our future. The future being the next second, next minute, next hour, next day, next week, next month, next year, next decade.. and for the rest of our lives.

So how do we know whether what we're doing is right? How do we know whether we're doing what we're meant to do? How do we know where each decision, no matter how small, will lead us?

But we don't know.

So what can we do? Do we close our eyes, and let someone else decide for us? Do we let the situation play out, let ourselves be moved by the swirling multitudes of purposes in the universe? Do we take a stand and do things we way we want to, despite not knowing the outcome? Do we blindfold ourselves, jump off a cliff that seems to have no end, take a leap of faith?

Do we hold on, do we let go, do we stand up, do we sit down, do we talk, do we hold our silence, do we ask for protection, do we protect ourselves, do we argue, do we keep our peace, do we anchor on, do we drift away..

How would we know what to do?

And what if, what if, you're not the only one who will be affected by these decisions. What if, well, other people are affected. Some people will be happy, others will be sad. Some will be overjoyed, others will be hurt. Some will be glad, others will be mad. Some will be supportive, others will be b*tchy.

How can you choose?

Who are you to say who should be happy, or sad, overjoyed, or hurt, glad, or mad, supportive, or... not so supportive. Who are you to make these choices? Who are you to make a decision that may affect their lives, whether in a good way or bad? Who are you to choose alone, when so many other people will be affected by it?

But you have no choice.

You have to choose. You have to make a decision. Because if you don't, people are affected too. Because if you don't, everything is just hanging in limbo. Because if you don't, things can't move on. Because if you don't, you'll have to make it sooner or later anyway. Because if you don't, YOU can't move on. And if you don't move on.. you're stuck. You're stuck when everyone else is moving on, and they can't save you, because the currents are pulling you too hard, too fast.

Then the situation will play out, whether you like it or not, and now you have no say in it.

So the only solution is that you have to take the wheels while you still can. Take the wheels and drive, just go on driving, even though you haven't seen the end. Keep on driving, even if you don't know where you're going. Keep on driving, even if you don't know where the road will take you. Because the chances are, if you keep on driving, you'll find your destination. And maybe it won't be as much as you were expecting. Maybe it will be more than you were expecting. Maybe it will be exactly what you were expecting. No one knows.


But one thing's for sure?


If you stay there, stuck.. you're never going to get there.

Wherever "there" is.

-end-
CaitlinKang









But I've got to try.

Rejuvenate.

... because even machines need to take a break, yes?



I'm just writing it out of habit now. It doesn't make me more panic-y or anything. Or remind me that I should be studying. =P

But anyway.


E & D IS OVER!!


Haha. And it super doesn't feel like it ended. It doesn't feel like my exams are going to end. Because in the first place, it doesn't even feel like exam week(s). =.=

And I have been SLACKING like nobody's business, yo. Hopefully still can get into Melbourne University. XD



So.




Chemistry.


Last paper.


Next Monday.



Confirm die. =P


But my dear friend, Ning Mao, the lifesaver that she is, is going to give me a crash course later (she's not free now, which is good for me, because then I get to relax! *grin*). Which I really, really, really appreciate since she has to study for BOTH Chemistry and Biology. So yeah, THANK YOU!!! =)=)


Oooooh, and then after that it'll be all over! One whole year's worth of hard work and effort.. OVER. And the results (coming out on the 12th of December - now I know what to make my brother wish for on his birthday *grin*) will either make your day, and make your whole year's worth of effort worth it... or not. In which case.. seriously, don't talk to me. I will be wallowing in my own grief. XD

“Caitlin, hey, good luck for exams tomorrow. Though I’m sure you don’t need it :-)”

“Oh, but I do need it! I’ve just spent the last hour and a half watching shows instead of studying, OMG!! Confirm fail=P but thanks anyway!”

“Haha, you’ll do fine… you always do.”

Unrelated: And I tell myself not to be spiteful. *shakes head*

You're not the only one who can show your temper.

Thursday, 27 November 2008

Confusion.

... because it's just way too complicated.


This is going to be a one-line post. Well, one line and one caption.



don't mind me, I'm just thinking.





Yes, that IS me in the picture. The wonders of technology, eh?


I don't know, I don't know what I want. Don't talk to me for a few days. Anyone. All of you. Just leave me alone, I need to get my own head sorted. I will not let this be based on emotions. Just.. leave me alone.



What you see is not always what you get.
You always want what you can't have.

True Love.

... because it's an all-encompassing feeling that outlasts everything else.




This is so weird. I start blogging everyday, more than once a day, during EXAM WEEK.




This is sooooo not good.
=.=



But whatever.


I shall keep to my theory that it erm.. releases stress. The fact that I haven't been doing anything very overly stressful of late notwithstanding.. xp


I should study E & D now, I really should. My E & D paper is tomorrow. *gasp*


And then there's Chemistry next Monday. Which.....


Well, let's not talk about that first, shall we? =P






MOVING ON.








"I was just saying how nice it is to want something, regardless of whether you have it or not. And maybe wanting it even more when you have it. Cause then you'll have to be afraid of losing it. Why can't you want something even if you already have it? That's my point. That you don't stop wanting it even after you have it. It's just like saying love is a beautiful thing".
-JunYeu-




Awwww. =)






It's not about being willing to die for your loved one, it's about being willing to LIVE for them.









When you say you love me, do you mean it?
Should I believe the magic in your eyes?
I've been hurt way too many times.

Wednesday, 26 November 2008

Intuition.

... because you just feel the vibe.



It's over......


And it wasn't too bad. =)


Plus, I am sooo psychic. Ahah. First question of the short answer section - "Define stress". Hahaha, am I psychic, or am I psychic?? (refer to previous post)


=)


The short answer questions, were, thank goodness, things I'd studied properly and everything.
Heck, I studied everything. Details, details.


The multiple choice questions (75 of them) were quite irritating, though. Most of it was okay, except for 7 questions or so that were just the teeniest bit vague. Like, there were two answers that could fit, the question wasn't very clear... but whatever.


It's over, and I *think* I did pretty darn good. =)
Apart from those 7 questions.. well, the rest should be correct. Damn, I wish I could be as confident for my other papers as I am for Psychology. But then again, I don't study as hard for the other papers as I do for Psychology. =P


The past few days of trying to understand and memorise all that information was so, so, so worth it. I literally breathed a sigh of relief when I saw the exam paper. =P


75 MCQ questions and 2 short answer questions.


I finished the paper within an hour. But I slowly went through every question and rationalised the ones I wasn't too sure about..


Okay, okay, I'll stop talking about Psychology.


I'm satisfied. =)


Drama is over, EAP is over, Maths 1 is over, Literature is over, HOI is over, Psychology is over..


Only Environment & Development and Chemistry left!!


And then it's Valedictory, and then back to Malaysia for a good 2 months of rest and relaxation!


R & R, yo!! =)=)


Wooooohooooooooooo !!!!!!



*update*
No oomph to study E & D.
Just watched Enchanted again. Heh=)
We're all just waiting for our ever afters..
*dreamy smile*




I'm putting everything else on hold... all because of you.

Abstract Logic.

... because sometimes what is perfectly logical is totally beyond our comprehension.



Psychology exam is in an hour.


*panics*


*hyperventilates*


*screams*



I feel like I'm not ready.


AAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH !!!



Stress!!
(a process by which we perceive and respond to certain events called stressors, which we appraise as threatening or challenging.)


Okay, that was the definition of "stress".


Unnecessary, I know, but I just had to do it. I see Psychology in everything now. *gasp*


OHMYGOODNESS ONLY 1 MORE HOUR!!


Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe.



I'm prepared.. I'm more than prepared. I just hope I've got enough retrieval cues (sorry, Psychology stuff again) to get all the information out. *deep breath*


Is it just desperation to love and be loved?

Tuesday, 25 November 2008

Caution.

... because you learn not to make the same mistakes.



OHMYGOODNESS.


Psychology is getting to me, seriously.


I'm full of Psychology and I'm so ready to explode.


Thank goodness the exam is tomorrow. I don't think I could handle another day having to study/memorise/review anything to do with Psychology. OMG.


*breathes in*


*breathes out*



Okay. Just another 15 hours or so.


I can do it, yes I can.


I just had a like, 4 hour question and answer session with dear Yun Shen. Thanks for putting up with all the screaming and the "I know, I know, I know, don't tell me!!!" stuff. =)


It was super tiring, I tell you. At this rate, I think I'm actually going to get tired of talking, if that's even possible. Like, seriously.

Another Q & A session at 7 pm, with both Michele and Yun Shen.

x.X


Only three more exams to go. Three more. Three more. Three more. Three more. Three more. That's all. Just three more.




Awww, so sweet. =)



I love you too much to ever stop liking you.

Monday, 24 November 2008

Yong Chen Han.

... because it's his birthday.





Happy birthday, yo!! =)


I don't think my traitor of a friend Chen Han reads my blog very often, so anyway, I sent him a message last night:-


"Omg I totally forgot that M'sia is 3 hrs behind now.. I thought I wait until 2am enough. But lol NOOO I'll actually hafta wait till 3am. Hahaha. Chen Han ar. U know I love u right, as a friend right. Really really really. But I need to sleep lor. Summore exam week & all. So yeah I'm excused right? Heee=) so anyway. I shall be d first to wish u..so HAPPY (early) BIRTHDAY!!! =)=) hahah u rock man can't wait to see u & everyone else *wink* hugssssssssss."


His reply -

"Aw:) stay up till 2am just for me? Sure or not hahaha aw YOU LOVE ME AR ahem *speechless* ... etc"



Still the same old Chen Han. =)



Observe the picture carefully - Chen Han's the one holding the bottle, over - surprise, surprise - my head.



So anyway. Happy 18th Birthday, dude!


Have a good one! =)







You rock, don't ever change. ;)

Perfection.

... a curse? or a blessing?


This is sooooo not good.


I should so be studying.


Psychology exam is on Wednesday... the day after tomorrow.


And here I am, lounging around in bed, blogging.


I've studied 3 and a 1/2 chapters. Only 4 and a 1/2 to go. =.=


I feel like watching a movie. I have so many movies to watch on my computer, but I know that if I start, I won't stop. But I'm not studying anyway. But I still should try to study. *sigh*


I want to watch High School Musical 3. It's only coming out here on the 4th of December.


I'm flying back to Malaysia on the afternoon of the 7th of December.


I might as well wait till I get back there. To Malaysia, I mean.


I'm going for Oaktree's National Training Conference 2008 from the 5th of December to the 7th.


I need to study.







A bad dream... yes, that's all it was, just a bad dream.

Sunday, 23 November 2008

Radiance.

... because of the light.



I'm bored.


I should finish studying three chapters of Psychology today. I've only finished one.


So far I've done three. Five more to go.


At least this is more fun than most other subjects. =)


I cooked soup.


I feel clean.


Okay that was random. But yeah, I just had a shower. Hee=)


I'm BORED.


I need sleep.



i want to be hugged and cuddled too. =(


It's over when it's over. Just take things as they come, one step at a time.

Saturday, 22 November 2008

Rain.

... because it's soothing.





I miss the sound of rain.


You know, those heavy rains you get in Malaysia? Especially in the afternoons, and the rain splashes everywhere..

You're stuck in the house, with nothing to do. Isn't it just so nice to curl up in bed and sleep? And enjoy the rhythmic pounding of raindrops on your window..

Or curl up in a comfortable nook and read. Or hug your dog because she's scared of thunder and whatnot.

Perfection - it lies in the simplest of things.







All we need to do is to learn how to appreciate it.

Friday, 21 November 2008

Figure Skating.

... because I miss it. =(












I














MISS


















SKATING.
















I MISS PERFORMING.

And joining competitions.

I want to perform. Or join a competition. I'm not that fussed, to be honest. As long as I can skate.








Spread your wings and prepare to fly.

Suffocating.

... because there's too much empty space, but not enough air.




History of Ideas exam is over.





At 6.30 a.m. this morning:




That's my desktop, by the way.



Right. I am not happy.


Not happy at all.



I didn't finish my essay. =(



You see, there are two sections, Section A, and Section B. Section A is an essay of approximately 700-1000 words. Section B is two short answers, approximately 400-500 words each.


So I left 6 pages blank for my Section A, and started with my Section B, because I knew I'd spend too much time on Section A. So that was 1 hour 30 minutes for Section A, and 1 hour 30 minutes for Section B. And since there are two short answers of a similar length for Section B, obviously - 45 minutes each.

The first short answer was fine (about the Classical Greece Period). I wrote three pages on that, probably a bit more than 500 words, maybe almost 600. My second short answer question was about the Medieval Period. I got to around one and a half pages, then I got stuck. Couldn't think of anything else to write, so I proceeded to my Section A essay. I didn't expect to be able to write so much, but I got up to six pages. Well, five and a half, technically. So that was maybe a bit more than a 1000 words. And I kind of had like about 10 minutes left for the rest of my second short answer. So I only managed to fill up *almost* to the end of the page, and then they collected the papers. I had one more point about feudalism to write!! Only like, another 2 or 3 sentences... =( I guess that one would have been a bit under 400 words. *sigh*


Anyway. I noticed that my writing skills have improved considerably since the beginning of this year. I mean, like, literally, my writing. Not my thoughts, like what I put down on the paper (although I wouldn't mind if I improved on that too XP). My actual writing. At the beginning of the year, my hand was ALWAYS aching when we had to write like, oh, I don't know, 700 word essays? Yeah. Only about 700-800 words in 3 hours. Which makes me feel damn proud of myself la, now I can write like, 2000+ words in 3 hours, and my hand doesn't hurt as much as it used to. Hahahahaha.


But then I'm hoping that this isn't a case of quantity over quality. If it is, then ....... die. =(


Although, there is some good news.



THE HARDEST WEEK OF THE EXAMS IS OVER!


Seriously.

700 words EAP essay on Tuesday.
Mathematics on Wednesday.
1500 words Literature essay on Thursday.
1800 words for HOI on Friday.




So many essays, all in one week! And we needed to PREPARE for Literature and HOI. It wasn't open book. We needed to have our points and stuff ready.


That took some MAJOR memorising, man.

O.o



Now I've got something like 5 days to study Psychology. =)=)


Then after Psychology, a day to study E & D.



Then the weekend to study Chemistry.



How fun.







You've given me the courage to be all that I can, and I truly feel your heart will lead you back to me when you're ready. -Butterfly, by MariahCarey-

Thursday, 20 November 2008

Opinions.

... because they only matter when people want to hear them.




You know, I think I'm going to be doing this for all my subjects. Haha.







NO MORE LITERATURE for the rest of my life!




Not that I found Literature to be overly dull, or confusing, or boring, or stuff.. It's actually always been one of my best subjects. Not that that's saying much. XP

But yeah, I was all worked up and everything last night (well, not really, I was worked up because I didn't have much prepared, but that still didn't motivate me to actually prepare something) but with dear Ning Mao's coaxing and her intimidating 1600+ words essay that she had already written and was in the process of memorising.. I finally finished writing my main points and finding all the quotes to use at 11.00 pm. Which is like, past my bedtime, yo. And I hadn't even memorised ANY of those points yet. So I laboriously memorised my 200 word introduction, and I felt really tired when it got to midnight.

So I thought, "Screw it, I'm going to sleep, and I'm going to wake up early and memorise the rest".


I woke up at 4 am.


Had a shower, and then sat down and *tried* to memorise my thesis statement and my main points. Just the main points, like, the topic sentences, mind you, 6 of them. I didn't even get started on memorising my 19 quotes. However long it took me, I just felt too tired by the time it got to 6.30 am. So I set my alarm at 7 am, put it far, far away, so I had to get up to switch it off, and curled up on the couch. And when it rang at 7 am, I got up, believe me, I got up, went to the thing, set it at 7.30 am and curled up on the couch again. =.=

So basically I think I got back to my desk and continued memorising the things about 10 minutes before 8 am. I'd gotten the introduction, and my main points memorised by 8.40 am. I was supposed to meet Michele downstairs at 8.45 am before we walk to the exam hall.

And you know what?





I STILL HADN'T MEMORISED MY QUOTES.



Panic-inducing, don't you think? Because I didn't write my whole essay out. All I did was write the topic sentence (main idea of each paragraph) and write down the quotes I was going to use. The thing is, all I needed was the quotes, and the rest, the analysis and stuff would just COME, you know? AND I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THE QUOTES WERE. So I was memorising it on the way to the hall (10-15 minutes walk). I think I was a little snappish at Ethel and Michele, sorry dears! I didn't mean it, it was just that I was half panicking because I hadn't memorised the quotes. Sorry! =p


But anyway. I memorised them in the end. I finished reciting them literally 2 seconds before I got into the exam hall. Half thanks to Michele and half thanks to Pei Qi. =) And that's the good thing about having so many people in one hall, you can dilly dally outside and read your notes. =)


SO. I went in, and I wrote down all my points and quotes before I forgot them. So that took about 15 minutes, or less. Then wrote my introduction and everything, and started on the body paragraphs. And I was so, so, so surprised that I had so many things to write about! Which is good, because I thought I wouldn't be able to get up to 1000 words. I ended up with like, almost 2300 words. =.=


Yeah. *no comment*


I hope I didn't re-tell the story too much. Oh, and my spelling is getting atrocious. Sorry, random. But yes, just because there were a lot of words, it doesn't mean that the analysis was good. Oh well. *crosses fingers*


At least I did it. =)




And now for History of Ideas (tomorrow) .............






Another essay that I have yet to start preparing for.













*CRAP*








Maybe, just maybe, I shouldn't have left it till so late. XP

Wednesday, 19 November 2008

Intangible.

... because you can't hold on to it, no matter how hard you try.


MATHS


IS




OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR !!!



No more maths ever again for the rest of my life!!



Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.




Actually I think that's not true. If I want to do Psychology, I'll have to learn Statistics.


Great. My favourite chapter.



NOT.



Whatever. Maths is over.


Awww.
But I was just starting to like all the ridiculously difficult Maths 1A integration/calculus stuff!


Oh well.



Okay I'm typing nonsense. Well, not nonsense, it's true, but erm..



Okay NEVER MIND.


I need to do my Literature.

No more procrastinating!


You know why, you know why??








BECAUSE LITERATURE EXAM IS TOMORROW AND I'M NOT READY!!!


Uh-oh.


Heh. =P


Oh you know what? I had a sudden realisation yesterday. I can only study when I'm depressed.












*silence*











Okay, I didn't really mean it that way. I meant that I can't study when I'm in a good mood/happy mood etc.


I can only study when I'm in a resigned/sad mood etc. (eg. "I've got no life anyway, so I might as well study).
It was so much easier when I was angry at you.

Weird, right? And now I'm in a happy, happy, happy, happy mood. Like, I've been in a relatively good mood for the past few weeks. And that's not good. Because I don't study when I'm in a good mood. I do feel-good things. Like using the internet. Or reading story books. Or basically anything that doesn't involve studying.


So like, even though people tell me I'm going to die if I don't study, or I'm going to fail, or I'm going to regret it because I'll end up sweeping floors with a sweeper boyfriend (which is, incidentally, what the roommate said to me)... heheh. It didn't really work.

Although I really, really, really appreciate all those comments from you guys, trying to get me into the studying mood. =)=)

I didn't expect so many people to reply to my desperate plea for help. I must have sounded very desperate. Either that or I've got some very good friends. I think it's the latter, don't you? ;)


Oh right. Literature. I almost forgot.


I'll be back !!!!!!!!!!! =)


*update*
1 hour later..

Haiyor. No mood to do laaaaaaaa. =(
Super don't feel like doing the essay *sigh*
Okay, okay, doing, doing, doing. Not really, but yeah.
Plodding on. And on. And on. And on. And on.



IT'S TOO LATE TO APOLOGISE.



When the dream is over, what is left?

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Headless Chicken.

... because they have no sense of direction.


It's 8 am on the morning of the first exam.


It's the start of what is going to be three looooooooooooooooooooong weeks.


And you know what I spent the past three days doing?



NOT STUDYING.
Damnit, I'm just being overconfident! I've worked hard for this all throughout the year, and for once, I've got marks to show for it. Pretty damn good marks too! But it's all going to go down the drain at this rate. I didn't work so hard through the year to fall short before the FINAL hurdle!!
Die.


Mum called yesterday, in response to my e-mail pleading for someone to get me motivated to study for exams. I seriously need someone to get me all stressed up, because now I'm totally calm and that's not good. So anyway, I talked to her a bit, and she gave me motherly advice and all. And after that, she sent me an e-mail. Well, a couple of e-mails, actually, but anyway.



You know what she called me?




















A HEADLESS CHICKEN.




Yes, she likened me to a headless chicken. *gasp*


The shock.



The horror.


Her exact words:


You have all the materials but not the skills to organise and present it. It's very simple, so don't have to run around like a chicken without a head. It doesnt help the chicken and all the people around that chicken. So now, chicken, sit and be calm, like sunday (the dog).




Which is actually quite funny, come to think of it. It totally cracked me up.


I'm still not stressed though.



Someone, please, make me stressed? =(








So I'm not that sure of myself after all...

Sunday, 16 November 2008

Tomorrow.

... because it's a brand new day, with new hopes, and new prospects.


I'm emo-ing now. And not in a good way.


Why do I always find things out the roundabout way?
It hurts, you know. Or don't you know?

Maybe I'm just misinterpreting it.


But the thing is: I DON'T KNOW.


I made a decision. It took me almost the whole year. But I finally made it. And now I find that maybe, just maybe, I shouldn't have made that decision.
Because it HURTS when I don't know what's going on, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Maybe it was the wrong thing to do.
Maybe I should never have counted on you.

The thing is........ I can't help it.
The truth is, even though I didn't realise it, I've been holding out for you all this while.

I just didn't want to admit it to myself.
So many things I could have done, but didn't do.. all because of you.

And now.. it's time to get over it. Again.
Funnily enough, there were so many things I couldn't do, but I did.. again, all because of you.



I shouldn't be doing this.


I should be studying.


GO AWAY. STOP HIGHLIGHTING MY POST.

Shereen, I only got your letter 3 days ago.. Don't know why it came so late.. I was really happy when I got it, though! =)

I wanted you the first time, I loved you from the second.

Saturday, 15 November 2008

Drama Video (term 4).

Our group drama performance exam was yesterday!

And you know what, we didn't do too badly. Or so I like to think, anyway. =P


Here's the video!

*edited*

It's *kindasorta* abstract. Which means it's not supposed to be understood. Well, actually no, but whatever. I don't really understand it myself, and my group members and I came up with the script so yeahhhhhhh. XP

Incompetence.

... because there are so many things that you just can't do.



Yeap, I'm back early.



Although it's not as.. saddening/heartbreaking/degrading/depressing as I imagined it would be. Not that I really imagined it would be all those things, but yeah. I'm not overly depressed, or even sad at all.


I just calculated, the approximate probability of getting into NIDA. It's like 0.0143. Haha yeaaaaaaaah. And like, some people audition 4 times before they get in. And some people don't ever get in. ><


Today, only 2 people got called to stay back and present their 3rd piece. And then they'll *maybe* be recalled. And then assuming they pass that stage, they'll be interviewed and filmed. So it's shortlisted from 1, 400 people.. to 250 people.. to 70 people.. to 20 people.


O.o


So yeah. At least I tried. I wasn't nervous or anything during the monologues. Which, I guess, isn't enough. Being confident, I mean. Apparently you need some kind of skill. As to what kind of skill.. I am not sure yet. But rest assured I will find out. Who knows, maybe I'll try for it again next year! =)


For now, it's back to the real world:



EXAMS ARE NEXT WEEK !!!!

Failure or rejection isn't a word in my dictionary, not anymore. I know that sounds arrogant, but heck, that's the way I roll. I haven't quite decided yet, and I don't want to make a decision now, because then maybe it'll be an emotional decision. But maybe, just maybe, I'll keep on trying till I freaking get in. *breathe in, breathe out* Okay, okay. I'm calm. Time to get on with life.

My pride was forfeit a long time ago.

Moment of Truth.

... because the time has to come sooner or later.



3 months ago I thought the time would never come.



The time is now.



Ohmygoodness it's been actually been 4 months.



I didn't even realise.



Where did all those months go?




It's 5.30 am now.



Yes, I woke up early.



So sue me.



I just want to be prepared and ready.



I have to get in the zone, yo! *weak smile*



Now. If I get home, and I don't blog about it (the auditions)..



DON'T TALK TO ME.



It means I am not okay.



Omg so emo.
But yeah.



Arrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!



But thanks to my lovely darlings who've wished me luck so far!



CarmenMicheleYeeHooiTanshereenJunJingYunshenRubhiJunYeu
JonathanseetWeikhaiTimothychengIvanyudistiraJiayiLiyingChrischieng
BryanAdrianLimayBillylow
And anyone else that I just may have mistakenly left out. ><



Thank youuuuuuuuu. =)



I'm hoping.
Cross your fingers for me.... =)


Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaepleaseplease.

Friday, 14 November 2008

Confidence.

... because you don't actually have to BE confident, all you have to do is appear like you are.



I can't believe it's tomorrow.


FISH.



It's TOMORROW. 

In 13 hours.



Notnervousnotnervousnotnervousnotnervous
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Maybe I'll believe it if I keep telling myself that.


*deep breath*


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I’m not nervous. Really, I’m not. I don’t get nervous when I’m performing. Not anymore, at least. I LIKE performing. I’m just afraid of things going wrong. And afraid I’ll end up disappointed. Not that I expected anything in the first place, but still.. I know I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. It’s just.. I’m crossing my fingers and hoping that maybe, just maybe, I’m talented enough. Highly doubt it, but that doesn’t stop me from hoping.

Okay. I'm calm. Positive explanatory style, yo! ;)


Time is of the essence.

Thursday, 13 November 2008

NIDA.

... because all I want is one shot at it.



Okay. I'm officially afraid now.


What if something goes wrong with my audition?


What if I can't remember my lines?


What if I say something wrong?


What if, what if, what if.



"Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong". Murphy's Law.


*deep breath*


Okay, time to come clean.


I'm auditioning for the National Institute of Dramatic Arts Bachelor of Dramatic Art (Acting). My audition is on Saturday... this Saturday, at 9 am. Initially I thought they took 30 odd students a year. Apparently not. They take UP TO 25 students. A year. I'm not arrogant enough to believe that I will get in. In fact, I highly doubt I'll even be asked to perform my third monologue.


So why am I doing it?


Because I want to give it a shot. If I don't do it, I'll never know. If I do it, and if I fail, at least I'll know that it's not because I didn't try. At least.. at least I tried.


And I've been practicing for over two months. Almost three and a half months, actually. Not full on practice every day, but I did something each week. And I felt ready. Until half an hour ago.


What's going to happen on Saturday is that I arrive at the said time, and then there's some briefing and some group warm up thing. I think. And then you're asked to audition two monologues. You have to prepare and be ready to perform three monologues, but you may be asked to perform only two. Which is not good. Because if you're not asked to perform the third monologue, that means they've already ruled you out. Either that or if you're called for the recall audition. In which case, good. But if you're not asked to stay for the whole duration of the recall audition... bad. So I hope to goodness that *at least* I'll get a chance to perform the third monologue.


My three audition pieces (monologues):


1. A Midsummer Night's Dream - by William Shakespeare
Character: Helena

Lo, she is one of this confederacy!
Now I perceive they have conjoin’d all three
to fashion this false sport in spite of me.
Injurious Hermia! most ungrateful maid.
Have you conspir’d,
have you with these contriv’d,
to bait me with this foul derision?
Is all the counsel that we two have shar’d,
the sisters vows, the hours that we have spent,
when we have chid the hasty footed time
for parting us, O, is all forgot?
All schooldays’ friendship, childhood innocence.
We, Hermia, like two artificial Gods,
have with our needles created both one flower.
Both on one sampler, sitting on one cushion.
Both warbling on one song, both in one key.
As if our hands, our sides voices and minds
had been incorporate. So we grew together,
like a double cherry, seeming parted,
but yet an union in partition.
Two lovely berries, moulded on the one stem.
So, with two seeming bodies, but one heart.
Two of the first, like coats in heraldry.
Due to the one, and crowned with one crest!
And will you rent our ancient love asunder,
to join with men in scorning your poor friend?
It is not friendly, ‘tis not maidenly.
Our sex as well as I may chide you for it.
Though I alone do feel the injury.




2. Dags - by Debra Oswald
Character: Gillian


Alright. I’m going to admit something I never thought I’d admit to anyone ever. I’ve got a crush on Adam. Head over heels, uncontrollable passion, etc. Unrequited passion, of course. Now I know this sounds like I’m throwing away everything I’ve said so far, and I guess I am. I know every girl at school – except Monica – is in love with him. I know he’d never go for a dag like me. I know it’s hopeless, I know all that. But I can’t help it. Just thinking he might look at me, my heart starts pounding like mad. And then I worry about whether he can tell my heart’s going crazy, and then I have to act really cool. This crush, it’s like a disease. Do you know – oh, I’m almost too embarrassed to admit this – Adam misses the bus sometimes. ‘cos he’s busy chatting up some girl or something. And do you know what I do? I get off the bus after one stop, and walk back to school, so I can hang around the bus stop hoping he’ll turn up. Just so I can ride on the same bus with him. Isn’t that the most pathetic thing you’ve ever heard? I’m crazy. I could lie here for hours thinking about him. Writing these movies in my head, where Adam and me are the stars… I try to imagine how he’d fall hopelessly in love with me and all that. Like, one of my favourites is that the bus breaks down one day in this remote place, and there we are.. stranded together. He discovers that I was this really fascinating woman all along, far more interesting than all those silly girls at school. But – I say, I can’t bear to be just another notch on his belt. So Adam has to beg me to go out with him. Grovel, almost. That’s a pretty over the top version.




3. Little Murders - by Jules Feiffer
Character: Patsy


Honey, I don’t want to hurt you. I want to change you. I want to make you see that there is some value in life, that there is some beauty, some tenderness. Some things worth reacting to, some things worth feeling. But you’ve got to take some chances some time! What do you want out of life? Just survival? It’s not enough! It’s not, not , not enough! I am not going to have a surviving marriage, I’m going to have a flourishing marriage! I’m a woman! Or, by Jesus, it’s about time I became one. I want a family. Oh Christ, Alfred, this is my wedding day! I want – want to be married to a big, strong, protective, vital, virile self-assured man! Who I can protect and take care of! Alfred honey, you’re the first man I’ve gone to bed with where I didn’t feel he was a lot more likely to get pregnant than I was. You owe me something. I’ve invested everything I believe in you. You’ve got to let me mould you, please let me mould you. You’ve got me whining, begging and crying. I’ve never behaved like this in my life. Will you look at this? That’s a tear. I never cried in my life.



To be honest - I don't think I'll get in. I wish I was just being modest. But.. *sigh*


What can I say? I'll see how it goes on Saturday.

I'm only feeling worried now because.. my friend missed her audition today. She overslept because she was up till very late practicing for the audition. Rest assured I won't stay up late practicing... but so many other things can go wrong. My heart goes out to my friend though. ><



Wish me luck?


Please don't let it go wrong.

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

Study

... because I just can't concentrate. =(



Not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good



I shouldn't feel relaxed, I really, really, shouldn't.

I should feel all worked up and worried about everything.

But I'm not.

I shouldn't feel all confident, I have nothing to be confident about.

I should feel all stressed and motivated.

But I'm not.



The next few days are going to be very busy. Or so I say now. I should be busy. Busy studying. But who knows what I'll end up doing? Stupid Zahada. Gah.


Drama exam is on Friday. My group is the fifth group to perform in the 12.30 - 3.00 pm slot.

NIDA auditions at 9.00 am on Saturday. I still haven't figured out where the place is, it's somewhere across the Yarra River.

English for Academic Purposes exam next Tuesday.

Maths 1 exam next Wednesday.

Literature exam next Thursday.

History of Ideas exam next Friday.

Psychology exam the following Wednesday.

Environment & Development exam the following Friday.

Chemistry exam on December 1st.

How the !*&$^#)(@*&@^*% am I supposed to study for all those things?? The first week's the worst.. all essay writing subjects that we have to PREPARE for. And I'm not prepared.

Maybe this is why yesterday didn't feel like the last day of college. Bl**dy exams.

I know why I'm feeling so relaxed and not stressed out. All I need is a best 4 average of 82% to get into the course I applied for. Guaranteed entry. My best 4 average (as of the last term- term 3)- 91.8%. I know I shouldn't feel complacent. I know it's so easy to drop back down. But I can't bring myself to study. I've studied so hard for the last 3 terms, I've done so much. I can't stop NOW. But the thing is - I'm not doing anything! Somebody, please motivate me to study before I fail all my exams!! Arrggghhhhh!!

I have to do it. I HAVE to.