I Don't Understand.

.


You know, I have GOT to stop checking my e-mails so often.


I mean like, usually people check it like, 2 or 3 times a week. Some check it everyday. And that's not too bad. But I check it like, 10 times a day. No, seriously. Okay, maybe not always 10 times a day.. but definitely AT LEAST twice or three times a day. But usually more than that.


And I don't know why! I mean, like, it's just this itch kind of thing. Like, everytime I get off the computer for a while, say half an hour or an hour, and then I get on again, I just have to open my e-mail inbox! Seriously, this is like having OCD man. Not good, not good.


Doesn't help that I've got like, three e-mail addresses. Wait, was it only three? A Hotmail one, a Gmail one, and an Oaktree one. Oh, and the the Melbourne University e-mail address. Haha. But then my Gmail and Oaktree e-mail addresses are tied together, so I send out all the Oaktree emails with the Gmail account, and all the e-mails sent to my Oaktree e-mail address get forwarded to my Gmail account, so I guess you could still count that as having three e-mail addresses.


Huh. But still. I seriously have to stop checking it so often. =/

You're not a person, you're a disease.

How Would I Know?

.


Oh no I have a French oral test in two weeks!!

=(

And another essay due next week. And another essay after that.

WHY DOES THE WORK NEVER END??

I'm sure there was something else.. I just can't remember what. Grrr.


And it's FREAKISHLY cold in Melbourne. Like, seriously.


I mean, last year, I got through winter and everything just just a normal jacket. Now (and it's not even winter yet - it's still autumn), it's SUPER FREEZING COLD!!


And I always feel hungry. =( I mean like, I'm still eating exactly the same portions of food and stuff! But when I finish I don't feel full at all. And I get reallyyyy hungry really fast. Which is SO NOT GOOD.


But then again, on Sunday, I kind of forgot to eat dinner. Like seriously forgot. One word: essay-ing. Haha. Yeah, that was when I was doing the illusion half of the essay. I was concentrating very hard! Heeeee. =P


Yeah, anyway. I forgot what my point was.

Oh yeah. So it's crazily cold.

And I am super not in the mood to do any work. =(

Take me to the place where love can heal.

The Start of Something New.

.

I woke up at 5.30 AM this morning!!

For what reason, I have no idea! I mean, I just woke up. And felt quite rested! Which is cool, seeing how I only got about 5 hours of sleep. Heeee that's a first.

So yeah, I was supposed to get up at 6 AM to do the dishes I've been leaving in the sink for a while, and to read over my essay and edit it. So I just lay in bed, thinking, until my alarm rang at 6 AM!

OH GUESS WHAT, GUESS WHAT??

I finished writing my essay yesterday! At, I don't know, around midnight or something. I mean to finish it around 10.30 PM, but whatever! The point is I finished it! I got stuck quite a few times too. Once at about 600 words to go.. and another time at 400 words.. and another time at 300 words, then 200 words, then 100 words left. LOL.

I think I got stuck a lot. =/

But yeah, I have AWESOMELY AWESOME friends who totally gave me enough ideas to finish the essay every single time I was stuck! Seriously. Thanks, Alastair and Ning Mao for all the ideas that I couldn't think of myself! =) Oooh and haha, thank you to the roommate for putting up with the random "eh, do you think this sounds right? No right?" I chucked at her! =p

Anyway. I'm waiting for my essay to print now, and it's taking a horrendously long time. 9 pages, I think. Hmm. My Music Psychology lecture starts in 7 minutes. Oh no. Oh well at least it's only 2 minutes away! =P

*update*
12.20 PM
Huh. So maybe next time I shouldn't print my essays when I have class in 10 minutes.
Oops. Heh. I was 5 minutes late for lecture! Blah.
But I couldn't wait to see my essay in print after struggling so much on it! Haha.

I shall post up the pictures of my awesome illusion on Friday or something! =)

I have GOT to snap out of this.

I feel like a fool.

It feels right.. but why does nothing ever go the way I plan it?

It's Violation.

.

This CANNOT be happening.

Four hours. I've been sitting down in front of the computer for FOUR HOURS.

I have done NOTHING.

Nothing except inserting the pictures I took of my illusion into the Word document. That didn't exactly take up a lot of brain power.

Four hours.

Nothing done.

On another note, sometimes, I feel that hugging my pillow really, really tightly helps. It makes the pain easier to bear.

Oh, the cruel, cruel irony.

I suppose I deserve it.

But I never knew it could hurt that much.

4 hours..

You're messing with my head.

Convinced.

.

It's 7.25 AM.

I woke up at 7.00 AM, and didn't even snooze my alarm.

I can't believe I'm awake.


I can't believe I slept so late last night - I got all of 4 hours of sleep. -.-

YOUR FAULT.

BUT!

I have good news! I finished half of my 2000 words essay due on Monday yesterday!


Cool right? I am awesome, I know!! =)


Haha but still. 1000 more words to go today.. the illusion half of the essay (I'm done with the sunset half) and now I REALLY don't know what to write.

This can't be good. =/

It took losing you for me to realise that I took you for granted.

So now I'm jumping off a cliff without knowing what's waiting at the bottom. I don't know yet if I'll come out of this alive.. but for the first time, I'm just closing my eyes and enjoying the ride.
Throw yourself straight into the deep end.

Intensity.

.

And I let the image float by, because I am afraid it will fade and disintegrate if I touch it. That would be disappointing. It's like trying to hold water in your hands - disappointing, and a waste of time. -Caitlin K.-

It's moments like this when I realise that I've pushed away nearly everything that matters to me.

What have I done??

Can't you feel my heart beat's fast, I need you by my side.

Relapse.

.

That was the word I was looking for yesterday. Relapse.

This is all your fault.

Sigh.

"My heart, it feels like.. like my chest can barely contain it. Like it doesn't belong to me anymore. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange.. no gifts, no goods, no demonstrations of devotion.. nothing but knowing you love me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine". -Yvaine, in Stardust-

This can't be happening this can't be happening this can't be happening!

How can it work!!

This wasn't supposed to happen!

I wasn't supposed to feel this way.

But I do.

You could search the farthest reaches of the universe and find nothing more beautiful than love.

Flashback.

.

ZOMG.

I studied body parts in French yesterday FOR NOTHING.

NOTHING!!!!!

It didn't come out in the test!! My tutor said to revise that because it would! Yerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. =(


Sigh, wasting my time only. OH WELL at least I'll be prepared for the next exam. =P


Anyway THANK YOU ALASTAIR for helping me study the body parts yesterday! Haha it was quite fun, he chucked random body parts at me over MSN and I replied in French so yeah. Helped a lot, actually, it didn't take me long to remember everything! =)


Mmm, so anyway, the weekend is here! Is it just me, or did this week pass by really, really fast? Huh. Seriously, it just.. went by. o.O


So. I have three days to finish my 2000 words essay on the sunset and the illusion.

Wish me luck!!

Because I'm going to need every ounce of luck I can get. =/

10 words.. but different, this time.
So, do you want to give it one more try?

Conditions.

.


My blogging mojo is gone.

GONEEEEEEE.

I should be doing my essays now. Or studying for my french test tomorrow.

Huh.

No oomph to do work. =(


I need inspiration. Motivation. Whatever. Somebody, anybody, please help?

*UPDATE*

Haha.That was fun. Well, not fun. Interesting.

Body parts - labeled (in French)

*note: Small typo error - it's la coude, not le coude (elbow).

I found the picture online, and labeled it and everything! And censored it, too. That's the first thing I did, actually. Censor the picture, I mean. It was DISTURBING. o.O

Anyway, if anyone taking French wants it to study body parts for French, I made a blank one too!! Heee I am awesome.

Body parts - blank template

You lifted me onto the highest cliffs.. and then you let me take the greatest fall.

Retribution.

.


For some reason, I'm just.. not in a good mood now. I was in a perfectly good mood like, I don't know, till about 10 minutes ago! Weird.


I just found out today that the Psychology essay (sunset and illusion) is due during our tutorials next week. Which, lucky me, is on Monday. You can totally tell that I didn't mean the "lucky" part, right?


AND I had a bad dream two nights ago, I think. I still remember it.. *shudders*


Yeahhh, I'm not about to go into the details, it's not very.. pleasant. I woke up, and literally cringed when I saw that it was only 3 am.. because it meant that it wasn't time to wake up yet. And I haven't been able to forget the stupid dream GRRR. Doesn't help that I think of it before I sleep now. It took me about 2 hours to fall asleep yesterday partly because of that. Sighhhh.


Anyway, I just came back from Flare.. 2 practice sessions in a row. I was casted into Aileen's Jazz piece and Ballet Contemporary piece. Which is totally cool!


'cept I learn steps REALLY REALLY REALLY slowly. Which is kind of a problem. Because they go through the steps.. well, I wouldn't say fast, I just can't remember them. =(


And for the Ballet Contemporary piece.. I felt soooo.. useless and inadequate. Haha. Because they were doing pointe work (which is basically going on your toes in the ballet pointe shoes). And I've obviously never done pointe work before because I didn't take ballet up to that high level, so yeah. Sigh.


Aaaarrrggghhhh, this few weeks have NOT been good. =(=(=(

Everything seems less inviting now that you're gone.

Pride.

.


It's Saturday.

SATURDAY.

It's Saturday NIGHT.

Uni starts on MONDAY.

Essays done: ZERO. NADA. ZILCH. KOSONG. NIL. 零.


All because of the stupid stories.


Damnit, fictionpress is seriously going to be the bane of my existence. Anybody want to check it out? Yes, I'm attempting to lure you to the dark side. Go HERE.


Sigh. I found some good stories, and unfortunately, those good stories happen to be really long. Like, some of them are like, a novel kind of long. So yeah. That's been keeping me busy these past few days. Heh.


Zomg. Such a waste of my time. I should be doing essays. Shame on me.

Sigh, I'm talking to myself on my computer screen.

No wonder I don't have a boyfriend. HAHA.

I know, I know, I should just sit down and do the damn essays. I should, I really should. But every single time I sit down to "do the essay", I get distracted. Or rather - I look for distractions. And they're not exactly very hard to come by.

Oh no, oh no, not good.

Lighten up. Like I said before, it wasn't all about you.

Lonely.

.

Huh.

So I really did end up going to watch the sunset alone.

How sad.

It's for one of my essays, mind you. Part 1 of the Psychology essay. Something about describing how our perceptions of the world change as the light changes.


I've got three pages of crappy notes to write a 1000 words essay that makes sense. I'm just going for "making sense" here, see, that's not too much to ask, is it?

Sigh.

Seriously.

How sad.

You weren't here when I needed love the most. You never were.

Convenience.

.


Seriously, when are the weird dreams going to stop?


I slept for almost 12 hours.. and woke up STILL not feeling rested.


This sucks. Soon I won't have the luxury of being able to wake up at whatever time I want anymore. =(


And this time the dreams had something to do with skating, Yee Hooi painting some kind of box thing, and Shen having a small ladder.

ZOMG.

Weird-ness.


So. It's almost the end of the Easter Break.

Guess how much head start I've made on my 3 research essays??

*drumroll*

1 paragraph.

Yes, you read it correctly. One stinking paragraph (the INTRODUCTION, no less) for the shortest of the 3 research essays (only 1 200 words). Awesome, no?


Ugh. Gone case. Oh well. I'm going to go watch the sunset and look for my illusion thing tomorrow. It's for the Psychology essay. 2000 words. 1000 words on the sunset, and another 1000 words on an illusion. Sounds easy, hmm? Sighhhhhhhhh it's not, really. But yeah I still have to do it. =(


And another 2000 words for the Music Psychology essay. I haven't even chosen what I'm going to write about yet. =/

Someone save me PLEASE.

Why bother choosing, when you can't have either anyway?

Nightmares.

.


I hate bad dreams. =(


I really, really, hate bad dreams.


Seriously. I get up feeling as if I haven't slept at all. Which is not good.

Oh, for the dreamless sleep to come back to me..

Anyway, on a lighter note, watch this clip!











Okay, fine, maybe that wasn't so much of a "lighter note". But seriously, how AWESOME is that? What was the first song he played again? The Entertainer? I swear, he plays the song better than I do, and I've finished Grade 8. Zomg. I should be ashamed of myself. And the second song, Rondo Alla Turca, wasn't it? Haha, I only learnt to play that song when I was in Grade 6 or 7. The SHAME... and the last song, by Bach? Sigh, I'm still convinced that the little tyke plays better than me. *curls up in a corner and dies*

HAHA.

Okay maybe not. Whatever, not everyone can be born a musical prodigy. So it's my parents fault. Heeeeeee. Kidding, kidding.


Ethan Bortnick, people. Super cute la. =P

You can run.. but you can't hide forever.

Shadow.

.



I feel like writing.


I don't know what, but I just feel like writing (anything except research essays).


You know, I feel like the kids who swear they something, even though they've never actually tried it.

LIKE BRINJAL, for example.

Like, they swear they hate brinjal, and won't eat it, even though they've never actually eaten brinjal before.

Wait, that sounds kind of familiar.

Oh right, I said as much a couple of days back.

Oops.

HEH.

Someone please, please, please, give me the inspiration I need to get started on my stupid research essays.

Don't let the shadows hide your smile.

Fixated.

.

Listerine sucks.

Okay fine, it doesn't.


It's kind of useful, actually, especially if you have a sore throat or something..


So yesterday night right. I gargled Listerine until I nearly CRIED. o.O


Haha. Because usually I mix it with a little water (eh it's too strong for me la kay!), but yesterday night I decided not to. And you're supposed to gargle for like, 30 seconds right? I think I only did 20 seconds, and I was counting quite fast. Heheh. But seriously.


And then this morning again. But I did the full 3o seconds! Yay me!


Haha omg. I'm talking about LISTERINE.


But anyway. It's not helping much. My throat's still a little sore. And I'm too lazy to make salt water to gargle. Blah. And that means I've got nothing to eat for breakfast, because I can't eat cookies and stuff or drink my usual cup of milo or eat cereal or weetbix.. ugh. And I'm out of bread. Actually I'm not. It's just expired. Which is the same as being out of bread. Sigh.


Oooh, I went for dim sum yesterday!! With Carmen, Yee Hooi, Jun Jing, Eric and Henrik. It was awesomeeeeee.


Dim sum last time with the family used to be a painful ordeal. Seriously, I used to groan and whine when my dad wanted to go for dim sum. Groan and whine and then don't eat much just because I supposedly "don't like dim sum". Haha. But I think I've changed my mind, now that we can't get dim sum as often (or for as cheap). Wrong timing much?

Heeeee.

You know what, I'm going shopping today.

I can't believe I'm going shopping.

I can't believe Carmen persuaded me to go shopping.

I may yet live to regret this.

Haha.

Don't hold back.

Unfocused.

.

ZOMG MY LEGS HURT.

But touch rugby today was FUN.

Heee. =)

But omg my legs hurtttttttttttt. And yes I am only feeling it now. =/

PAIN PAIN PAIN.

Anyway.


Haha, just came back from Eric's room, some sort of Play Station 2 karaoke kind of thing. Fun, fun.


And now I need to sleep. Blah. So much for essays and homework sigh.


Oooh, got this video from Li Ying's blog! It's... interesting. Hehe.

Until we say goodbye..

Break.

.


This morning, I woke up without the shrill, irritating-feel-like-crushing-it-to-tiny-pieces sound of an alarm clock.


That hasn't happened in a very, very, VERY long time.

Too long.

You know what, on a rather random note, I feel like things lately have been happening in a distinctly story book fashion.


Seriously. Like everything is just HAPPENING around me.

HAHA.

Either that or I've been reading too many story books.


I really have to stop reading so many.


But fiction books are so INTERESTING. ESPECIALLY the ones where they create whole new kingdoms, and countries, and things like that. It's like a different WORLD. It's like.. like.. it's inexplicable.


Haha ZOMG. I really have been reading too many story books. But I still want to read more.

NOT GOOD.

Because I have ESSAYS to do.

THREE of them, no less.

And all three of them RESEARCH essays.


Gone are the days of crapping and sounding like you know what you're talking about even though you actually don't. Now I actually have to KNOW what I'm talking about. Ugh.

Sink me bloody sideways.

HAHA. New phrase from the book I was just reading. Kingmaker, Kingbreaker series. Heeeeee. =)

This is where heaven is.

Emotionless.

.

Woohoo!

FINALLY, the holidays are here.

Not that they really feel like holidays.

Ugh.


I have 3 essays to write during the week long break.

THREE RESEARCH ESSAYS.

2000 words for Psychology, another 2000 words for Music Psychology, and 1200 words for Knowing Nature.


PLUS apparently (just found out today) I have a French test (the week after the holidays) to study for.

How BRILLIANT is that?

I mean, like, THERE GOES MY HOLIDAY. =(


AND I've got a meeting with this Operations Manager person from Swinburne tomorrow morning.. I can't believe they're working during the Easter holidays. Sigh. Have to settle some stuff with the volunteer program thing. Oaktree Foundation stuff.

*UPDATE*

ZOMG I can't believe how blur I am. The meeting is NEXT Friday. That makes more sense..

Sigh, how blur can I get? Luckily I realised. If not... o.O

*end of UPDATE*

Hmmm. And I was all for staying up late reading a story book. Sighsighsigh.


Oh, I got another couple of story books out of the Rowden White library!! Kingmaker, Kingbreaker series. It's only two books.. and I'm on the second book now. Haha. I'm sticking to the whole one book a day thing. This is SO not good. I'm totally screwed on the homework front. But oh well.


What are holidays for, if not for catching up on essays and assignments and tests and what have you? =(

Happy holidays, people.

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign that you're playing it safe. -WoodyAllen-

Scream.

.

Scream scream scream scream scream scream
scream scream scream scream scream scream
scream scream scream scream scream scream
scream scream scream scream scream scream
scream scream scream scream scream scream
scream scream scream scream scream scream
scream scream scream scream scream scream
scream scream scream scream scream scream
scream scream scream scream scream scream
scream scream scream scream scream scream
scream scream scream scream scream scream
scream scream scream scream scream scream
scream scream scream scream scream scream
scream scream scream scream scream scream
scream scream scream scream scream scream
scream scream scream scream scream scream
scream scream scream scream scream scream
scream scream scream scream scream scream
scream scream scream scream scream scream
scream scream scream scream scream scream
scream scream scream scream scream scream
scream scream scream scream scream scream
scream scream scream scream scream scream
scream scream scream scream scream scream
scream scream scream scream scream scream
scream scream scream scream scream scream

Does this mean you've finally noticed?

Humourless.

.



I web-cammed with the family yesterday.. and my brother was being funny.

Some screen shots:

My brother's pretty, pretty background which he won't show me how to use. =(

Such a charming little boy, isn't he?

HEHE.

Ugh, I am soooo screwed on the French homework front. Sigh.

Whatever, I'm tired. It's 11 pm.

Goodnight. =)

Happiness is only real if it's shared.

Envy.

.

So I discovered this really cool website a few days ago..

Okay, well, Carmen told me about it. =P


What you do is upload your photos onto the erm, templates of your choosing, and voila! Scroll down and you'll see. Hehe.

There are a lot of pictures of me in this post.. consider yourself warned. =)

My brother - when he was a cute little boy who actually knew how to smile properly.

With my dear cousin Jasryn. =)

Cool, eh?

Click HERE for the website. =)

The things you can do that I can't...

Daylight Saving Time.

.


Amazing, I got an extra one hour's worth of sleep.


It's really disconcerting, though, because your phone and your laptop times change automatically. I have to check it against my clock to confirm whether the time has really changed or not. =/

So anyway, people, if you haven't already, turn your clocks/watches/etc. one hour back!

Hmm. I feel like going back to sleep, even though I probably had, what, 11 hours of sleep? I think. Haha, DST is messing up my perception of time.


Anyway. I can't remember what I was going to say. Blah.

Do you know?

Vengeance.

.






"Stop it, guys, stop having a go at him," I muttered for what felt like the hundredth time.

"Why, Tess? Why do you keep trying to protect him? He's not worth it, not after what he did to you. Why does he deserve that?" one of my friends shot back at me.

Why indeed. Why did I even bother? Wasn't it enough that I was publicly dumped and humiliated? Why did I have to stand up for him? Why did I have to deal with this?

I held my head in my hands and closed my eyes. The scene around me disappeared, only to be replaced by a memory that I could not forget, however much I wanted to.


"Rick, please, let's give it another go.. we can make this work, I know we can. I love you, Rick, please don't do this to me," I begged, tears streaming down my face.

"Forget it, Tess. I've already told you that you are nothing to me. I'm breaking up with you," he said.

"Nothing? Nothing at all? Why..." I whispered, my voice faltering at the last word.

"You just didn't understand me, Tess. You didn't really know who I was, who I am. You just weren't the right girl for me, you never were," he said coldly.

I flinched. It took me a few seconds to regain my composure. I stared uncomprehendingly at him, searching his face for some kind, any kind of remorse for what he said. I found none.

"You... you didn't... want me?" I stuttered.

"No. I just needed to make Claire jealous".

Clarity rushed through my mind like a flood. And at that moment, I wanted to hurt him so badly. I wanted to look him in his eyes, and stab his heart as deep as I possibly could. Just so that for one second, he would feel the hurt he put me through.


My fists clenched even as the tears began to cloud my vision. I could still hear my friends gossiping about all his bad traits.

"Just stop it, all of you. You're right - he doesn't deserve any of this. He's not even worth it," I said angrily.

The End
-Caitlin K.-

The happiness of love is a shooting meteor; the pain of love is the darkness following. -LiYiYun-

Living on the Edge.

.

Do you want to know what living on the edge is like?

Try handing in an assignment that's due at 5 pm ...

At 4.56 pm.

Oh, and don't finish writing it until about 4.53 pm.

Yep, that's exactly what I did.

Oh, this is online submission, by the way.


After spending so many days supposedly on my Knowing Nature CACL essay that's worth 20% of my marks.. at least 2 full days in the library, 2 full days in the apartment, and random hours here and there..

ARGH.

For an essay that's only 800 words, it was ridiculously irritatingly difficult to write. And we had so much time to do it. And I chose to finish it today, when it's due. I tried writing it before today, I swear I did!! Went to the library twice for like between 6 and 8 hours just sitting down trying to write the thing. And aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ZOMG. I couldn't come up with ANYTHING until today.

NOT LIKE I HAD A CHOICE.

But seriously, it was so SCARY. I didn't even freak out! Like, I had something like 3 hours left, and still about 500 words to go, and I was still totally calm. Seriously. I was calm until about.. oh, 10 minutes before the time it was due. I was almost hyperventilating while I was making the final check, saving everything and all that.

SCARY, I tell you.

My heart was still beating really fast ONE HOUR after I submitted the essay.

NEVER AGAIN.

Seriously. Somebody remind me NEVER. TO. DO. THAT. AGAIN.

*faints*

You've only got one shot at this life.. so make it count.

Thought.

.

Dear Michael,

Happy Birthday. =)

Never settle for something else, never just make do.

Certainty.

.

Dear WONG JYH LING.

Me. Mon Wei. Jyh Ling.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY. =)

You're awesome and you know it.



But why do I still not have a picture with just you?? Seriously, woman. We need to start taking more pictures. =P

Have an awesome one, dear.

I wish I could believe that one day you would come back to me.

Complication.

.

$(#*&@#*&@#!@#*&^!@!$_ !!!

I've got a French listening comprehension test tomorrow that I haven't studied for.


I only just remembered that all of 5 seconds ago.

OH NO.

Not to mention that stupid Knowing Nature lecture that I have to listen to online.. and the essay that's due on Friday that I haven't done.. and urgh, goodness knows what else.

OH CRAP.

No, it's not an April Fools' joke.

Although I wish it was.

GAH.

This love is difficult, but it's so real..