My dear mother has no empathy. --> For those who don't know, "empathy" (from the
Greek εμπάθεια, "to make suffer") is commonly defined as one's ability to recognize, perceive and directly feel the
emotion of another. As the states of
mind,
beliefs, and
desires of others are intertwined with their
emotions, one with empathy for another may often be able to more effectively define another's mode of thought and mood. Empathy is often characterized as the ability to "put oneself into another's shoes", or experiencing the outlook or emotions of another being within oneself, a sort of
emotional resonance. -definition from
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empathy .
Evidence # 1On Wednesday (18th July 2007), if I am not mistakened, a scene unfolded.
We, that is to say, my mother, my brother and I were having dinner. Three-quarter way through, mum asked me to ask the maid (Siti) to eat, as she hadn't had dinner yet. I went to the kitchen and said, "Siti, mari makan-
lah.", to which she replied "
Tak mau.." (her back was to me). Then I said, "Makan sikit-lah, nanti dapat gastrik.", to which she replied "
Tak lapar.." . Something seemed to be wrong, and sure enough, as I turned back, I'm quite sure I saw her wiping
tears away from her face. I prudently left, so as to leave her alone, since she obviously did not want company at the moment. I resumed my seat and finished my dinner. After bringing my plates to the kitchen, I went to the bathroom to wash my hands. Outside, I heard mum telling Siti that she has to eat. I waited till my mum finished talking to her, then I went to her and said softly, "
She doesn't feel like eating, leave her be." My mum then proceeded to shout, seriously, shout, at me:
"This is none of your business. Don't you dare contradict me." She then again told the maid, "Kamu mesti makan ya.". Siti replied, "Saya tak lapar..". Mum again, proceeded to shout :
"Saya kata mesti makan! Kamu makan sikit nasi dan sayur. MAKAN !" Siti gave a non-commital nod, and said, "Nanti-lah.", since she obviously wasn't planning to eat anyway. I was watching the whole thing with, I suppose, a look of disgust on my face. Mum turned to me and said, "Don't you dare tell her anything else. I asked her to eat, so she MUST eat." She (mum) left after giving me the evil eye. I went to my room. When she came into my room, I tried to explain nicely that she (Siti) was not in the mood to eat, so she (mum)
can't just go around forcing people to do things they don't want to. I didn't get far in my explanation, however, because she cut me off by screaming at me and telling me that I don't know any better, so just "shut up and do what I (mum) say and don't ever contradict me (mum)" . So, realizing that argument is pointless, I shut up. When she goes away, I make my way down the stairs to the kitchen, where Siti is still slowly packing all the leftovers into containers. She normally does things a lot faster, but I could tell she was upset. So I just went to her and told her softly,
"Jangan dengar kata mam la.. Hari ini tak tau kenapa dia macam ini. Kalau tak mau makan tak perlu makan, tapi minum sikit milo panas, nanti dapat gastrik.." She then said in a grateful voice, "
Ya, thank you, nanti saya buat milo minum." Simple. Problem solved.
Defiance? I don't think so. Doing the right thing? Definately. Mum just doesn't want to see things from other people's points of view. There is only one way to do things, and that's her (mum's) way. Or so she thinks, anyway.
Evidence # 2Approximately 11.00 p.m. , 22nd of July 2007.
My brother was keeping me company in my room. He was sitting on my bed reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (I finished the book the day before, because he so graciously allowed me to read first, with, unexpectedly, no complaints. Although I queued up for the book, not him, but still.) . I was searcing for the definition of the word "
empathy" at that particular moment in time. Mum came in. She told Gary to go to bed. Tell me, quite honestly, how many of you Harry Potter fans, or even book-lovers out there actually go to sleep without a fight when you have the last instalment of the book to read? Gary, of course, not wishing to get into an argument, did not say anything, but continued reading. Mum continued
pressuring him, because, according to her, Gary would not be able to wake up in the morning. Her voice was steadily
rising. Able to see a solution that would benefit all of us (me included, because if Gary doesn't wake up on time, I will be late). I tried to
intervene a possible shouting match by saying, "
He wants to read, leave him be, he'll wake up on time tomorrow." I knew that by allowing Gary to read until he was too sleepy to read anymore, it would be easier to wake him up the next day. This is always the case. A simple matter of knowing how the mind works. Alas, a shouting match was
unavoidable. She (mum) shouted (again) at me. This time, she shouted, "
You keep quiet. You don't even know how to manage your own time, you don't tell me what to do. If he (Gary) doesn't sleep now, he will be late tomorrow." So I said, "
If he's late tomorrow, then I will be late, so it's my problem, isn't it?". Again, she shouted, "So if you're late then who has to go to school and see the discipline teachers?? ME!" (a fact I recently imparted to her). She continued, "I have to go and see the teachers if you're late. So don't be late!!" or something to that effect. I forget the exact words, but the were more
threatening than that. I replied, "If you don't want to go, then I'll tell them you don't want to go." And then again she shouted, "Who has to go and collect your report card?! It's so shameful! What if I don't go and collect it??" Silently laughing, I said, "
Don't go, then. No one's forcing you to go. If you don't want to go and collect it I'll just bring it back." Then she had nothing to say. But still she wanted the last word. So she shouted at me, "I WANT BETTER RESULTS!!!". I was utterly bemused.
It's
sad that I can never speak up. I mean, come to think of it, isn't that what they're all trying to get us to do? Everyone complains that Asian kids have no backbone, they can't stand up for themselves or their own rights. How can we, if we're supressed from young? How should we know what to do? All the time I try to point things out to my parents, I just end up in
tears. All the time. Most of the time I just keep quiet, which causes the phrase
"Now I'm giving you a chance to talk, why don't you talk??" to be said. We kids just can't win, can we? The times I can't take it, I've taken more than enough, I say stuff in a polite manner, I
STILL end up in tears. Brilliant,
no? ..sigh.
Note: This post was supposed to be posted the past Sunday (22/7/07), but my dearest mum pulled out the cable, even before the computer had shut down. I thank my lucky stars that this thing saves automatically every minute or so. I mean, come on. The screen was still on. She pulled out the cable. The one that connects the CPU to the mains. And she took it away (the cable) and hid it. Geez. The only reason I'm posting this now is because my brother found out where she hid the cable.
Life IS wonderful, isn't it?
me and mummy
me and Ai Mei (bride)
me! =P
