Intoxicated.

... by you.

"You're like my own personal brand of heroin". Edward Cullen, Twilight.

I said I'd try to abstain from emo posts on my blog - it's not working. So here goes.





I really did dream of him last night. I dreamt the same dream I had on this very day, 60 years back. I hadn't dreamt of him in a very long time.

I wince as I slowly push myself upright. My cane.. ah, yes, it is at its usual place, propped against my bedside table. I lean heavily on my cane as I make my way to the chair beside the window and sit down with a sigh. As I rest my head against the window pane, I close my eyes, eyes that have seen not only happiness and joy, but also pain and suffering. The sheer day curtain, rippling in the breeze, brushes lightly against my wrinkled face. I take a deep breath and exhale gently, as I allow myself to drift back into my dream...

"You missed!! Although the only way you could hit me was if you were aiming for something else..", he laughed.

*WHAM*

"Ouch!! What was that for?? You didn't have to hit so hard, I was kidding!!"

"Okay, okay, put it down, I surrender! Your aim is pretty good".

"ALRIGHT ALREADY!! You win!!"

I double over with laughter as he tries to hide his face. I grin wickedly, looking pointedly at the clump of snow I still have in my hand.

"Okay, okay!! I'm sorry I said your aim was bad! Stop it!! Please?"

I look down at the snow-covered floor, pretending to consider his plea. Out of the corner of my eyes, I see him getting ready to pounce on me. I count silently, "1, 2, 3 .. DIVE!", and I dive sideways, just in time. He's on the floor, but recovers quickly from the shock of missing his target. He grabs my legs as I try to squirm away. We're both laughing and laughing and laughing as I try to loosen his grip, and he tries to catch me.

Finally, exhausted, we flop down on the snow. We just lie beside each other, not saying a word, comfortable with the silence around us.

"Hey, do you believe in true love?" he suddenly asks.

I turn my head slightly, just enough so that I can see his face. I can tell, just with a glance, that he's not asking it in a joking kind of way. His eyes are closed, and he has his serious look on. He really does want to know what I think. And as I look at him, his eyes flutter open, he looks at me and smiles. My mind answers his question silently, "How could I not?".

I frown a little, to show him that I'm taking his question seriously. My heart races, my pulse quickens. To be able to be so near him, but to not be able to say what I want to say..

The corners of my lips turn up a little, and I look into his eyes and give him my answer, "Yes, I do. I believe in love lasting forever. At least.. I hope it's true, and I want it to be true. So I have to believe that it's true, you know? I know it's really hard to find a person who feels for you just as strongly as you feel for him. But the one thing that really scares me is knowing that everything has to be just right, like, not only the way you feel for each other, but the time as well. Imagine, having to be with the right person, at the right place, at the right time. So many factors involved, so many things to get right. I guess all we can do is hope that we find our true love one day, because to give up that hope, well, it just makes me feel more alone and vulnerable".

He's quiet for a few minutes. I can tell that he's thinking about what I said.

I prod him gently and ask, "What are you thinking about?"

He shakes himself a little, as if he's just come out of a reverie. He gives me a sidelong glance and answers, "I was just thinking that I've never felt right with any of the girls I've dated. You're my best friend, you know as well as I do that they're great girls and all.. but I just couldn't share my life with them. The more they tried to close the gap, the more I'd struggle to pull away".

Silence. "That doesn't make for a very good relationship, you know, with one person always trying to pull away", he said, with a wry smile.

"Hmm", I say, as I mull over his thoughts. "Do you think you're afraid of committing yourself? You try not to give too much of yourself away, because you're not ready to?"

"You know, maybe you're right. I guess I'm not really ready for a committed relationship. It's just that.. I've never met a girl that's made me go *I'm going to marry her*. You know what I mean?"

Ouch. "Oh. Yeah, that makes sense". No! No, no, no!! It doesn't make sense!

He's on a roll. "Yeah, I mean, I can't just say that I'm going to love you forever, when I'm not even sure that I'm going to keep that promise. But then, how can I be sure? Maybe I'm going to stay single forever. That is so depressing".

"Aww, don't give up yet. You'll find your soulmate eventually, I'm sure you will", I say as I pat him reassuringly on his hand.

My touch lingers for just a little moment longer than necessary. His eyes are closed again. As my eyes move from his face to the spot on his hand that my fingers just left, I bite back a sigh of anger, bitterness, sadness, frustration and resignation. So this is what it's going to be like. Him not realising, and me not telling him. Would I sacrifice my feelings for him to avoid the risk of rejection? Yes, I would. Because I would rather have him as a friend than not at all, I tell myself. I feel hot tears welling up in my eyes. I look away, away from the person I love so much, and I shut my eyes tightly.

The breeze caresses my face. I am sitting on my chair beside the window. The memory of my twenty-year-old self fades. I look sadly at the photo on the table, beside my empty bed. Before the memories threaten to overwhelm me once more, I clamp my eyes tightly shut once again.

If only I could shut him out of my heart as tightly as I can shut him out of my sight.

TheEnd.
-CaitlinK.-

You were my inspiration.

Hold me now, touch me now.
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.