sigh.

I am seriously stressed out. No, I wouldn't say stressed out, actually.




The truth is, I'm just TIRED.



Melvin's been coming practically every day to teach me Biology, most of the time for about 5 or 6 hours. Yeah, maybe I fool around and all.. but that's just how I learn. I make a lot of noise and ask a lot of unrelated questions.

If I'm quiet and just accept what the teachers say.. That just means that I don't have a clue what they're talking about. So, yeah, maybe I don't get much done. But I understand what's being taught, isn't that the whole point? And it's not that I memorise it. I UNDERSTAND. And I'll (most probably) remember it even AFTER exams and all.

Plus, my mum keeps badgering me to study, study, and study.

Do your Add Maths, Caitlin.

CAITLIN !! Do your Chemistry.

You should do some studying yourself. Don't depend on other people all the time.

Your tuition teachers are only there to help you. You must put in the effort yourself.

STUDY YOUR MORAL, IF NOT NO DINNER !

What happened to your Sejarah? You haven't even touched it yet. Why haven't you touched it yet??


Whatever extra time I have I want to spend SLEEPING or just doing nothing, because I'm tired the rest of the time.

I barely get to use the computer anytime before 11.30 p.m., because my brother will be playing Dota (the "my PMR is over" excuse so he can play 24/7 ..... almost.), and of course, my mother won't tell him to let me use it.

Yeah, maybe, you say I shouldn't use the computer, if I'm so tired, instead I should go to sleep and blah blah blah. But how many of you spend the whole week studying Biology and not use the computer at all? Huh?

And, of course, when it's late, my mother will scream at me every 5 minutes to get off the computer. So while I'm using the computer I have to listen to lectures....

How many times have I told you to go to sleep?

Don't you want your shoulder to heal? I told you the best time for your body cells to regenerate is 10 p.m. to 2 a.m. !

You have to wake up early tomorrow to study !!

This is a bad habit. What you are doing is not important. Leave it to tomorrow.

Stop it right now or I will pull out the cable!

Do you want me to take the laptop away or not??

I already give you so much liberty by leaving the laptop here, now I ask you to go to bed you can't even obey??

Tomorrow I am not going to give you the laptop, I am going to hide it so you cannot use it.

I am serious. If you don't get off now.....................

GET OFF THE COMPUTER NOW !!!!!!!!!!!


Sigh. I can accept all of this. I really can. I'm sick of it, but I still tolerate it. What I can't stand, however, is when people say that they're disappointed in me and yadda yadda yadda.

Like, my Additional Mathematics tuition teacher sent me a message yesterday.

"Hey kiddo, have you attempted your work (SPM 2004 Add Math paper 2) yet? If not, then no point having a class tmr let me know"

I didn't reply to that, because I only finished four questions, and my mum would've blown up if she (tuition teacher) didn't come the next day for that reason. Plus, I knew that my mum had been messaging her, and complaining that I haven't doing my work and I've been like that since primary school etc etc.

The next day (today), about an hour or so before class was supposed to start, my teacher sent me another message.

"Caitlin, have you finished your work? if not i won't be coming today"

I replied this time..

"5 more questions to go. I've finished Section A."

And her reply..

"That's not good enough, you had more than a week to do them and it's still not completed, i'm pretty disappointed, no point having class today, spm is less than a month away, it's up to you what you want to make of it, i'm trying my best to help you"

See what I mean? That kind of thing really pisses me off. No, actually, it just makes me really sad and frustrated. Because I AM trying. I hate it when people do things like that. Making out that I'm such a lazy girl who doesn't do anything when I'm actually doing so much more than I can cope with.

I don't even have time to do Yee Hooi and Louise's autograph books. I don't have time to get something for Mon Wei (her birthday's coming up). I don't spend time with my dog anymore, because I don't HAVE time. And STILL I keep quiet.

Anyway.. I replied to my teacher (I was kind of angry and frustrated.. I started crying while I was typing the message)..

"My mum's been getting my cousin 2come teach me bio every day dis past week,n he stays 4over 5hours most of d time,up 2past 11,some nights.I didnt hv much time 2do anythin,wtv time i had i spent sleeping cuz i was too tired 2do anythin else.If my mum's been feeding u some sob story abt how im not finishing my work & ive always been like dis blah blah blah,well,datz juz 2bad 4me isn't it?I'm trying,you know,& itz reli hard 2keep all of u happy.I dont hv time 2do my frens autograph books,& graduation is coming.I dont mind, datz not very important compared to studies,i dont complain but it seems very unfair cuz i'm really trying."

Yeah. Long message, huh? Sent in four parts. It just makes me sooo ...... argh, I don't even know how to describe it.. I just hate it when people express disappointment in me. ESPECIALLY when I actually make an effort. If I don't put in any effort, then, yeah, I deserve it, but............

It's just so ...................................................... SIGH.


Perfect lyrics to go with my emotions. Just change the "dad" in the lyrics to "mum" and it's golden.

"Perfect"

Hey dad look at me

Think back and talk to me

Did I grow up according to plan?

And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?

But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it

I just want to make you proud

I'm never gonna be good enough for you

I can't pretend that I'm alright

And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all

Nothing lasts forever

I'm sorry I can't be perfect

Now it's just too late and

We can't go back

I'm sorry I can't be perfect

I try not to think

About the pain I feel inside

Did you know you used to be my hero?

All the days you spent with me

Now seem so far away

And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it

I just want to make you proud

I'm never gonna be good enough for you

I can't stand another fight

And nothing's alright

'Cuz we lost it all

Nothing lasts forever

I'm sorry I can't be perfect

Now it's just too late and

We can't go back

I'm sorry I can't be perfect

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said

Nothing's gonna make this right again

Please don't turn your back

I can't believe it's hard

Just to talk to you

But you don't understand

'Cuz we lost it all

Nothing lasts forever

I'm sorry I can't be perfect

Now it's just too late and

We can't go back

I'm sorry I can't be perfect

'Cuz we lost it all

Nothing lasts forever

I'm sorry I can't be perfect

Now it's just too late and

We can't go back

I'm sorry I can't be perfect

I'm not angry. I'm just sad. That's all.