Regrets? What Regrets?

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I don't even know where to begin.


I was just reading a friend's blog.


Actually, you know what.. I'm sitting here staring at this screen thinking whether I should type this post out or not. I haven't been this.. forthright for a long time. I mean, usually, I don't type out EXACTLY what I'm thinking. Usually I .. talk about other stuff and sort of slide it in. Okay maybe I'm not making sense. Whatever. At least I *try* to be subtle. Whether I manage to do it or not is a different matter altogether. In any case.. ah, what the heck.

Here goes.

CHS just had its Sports Day a few days ago. CHS is my old school, by the way. My high school. And I was just reading a friend's blog.. and it reminded me of some things.


Things that were supposed to happen, but that didn't.


And after all this time..


After all the advice from friends..


After telling myself countless times that it doesn't matter..

GUESS WHAT?

It still matters to me.

Form 5. It was my last year. My last year. How could I have screwed everything up so badly?


I've wanted to get that trophy since I saw a friend getting it in Standard 6. I wanted it.

What, you may ask.

Peserta Terbaik.


Olahragawati.

Form 5. It was the last year. My last year. My last chance.


800 m. 1500 m. 3000 m. 4 x 400 m.


Four events won out of a maximum of five events.


Four Gold medals out of a maximum of five.

Enough to win.

But not enough to account for my stupidity, or "lapse of judgement" earlier in the year - for want of a better term.

It SHOULD HAVE ...

It should have been mine.

It doesn't matter.

It's over.

Friends tell me that it doesn't matter.. as long as I know I deserved it, as long as I knew that it should have gone to me. They tell me that the most important thing is that I know that. And I'm grateful for their support. I really am.


But it's different. Not having pictures to show of it.. not having any proof of it.. not actually having gotten it, even though I should have..


It's been two years. Two years, and I still cannot forget how hopeful and how happy I felt as I sat there, on the school field, under the blazing hot sun.. crossing my fingers, waiting to hear my name announced.. and how angry, how hurt, and how sad I was when someone else's name was.

It has been two years.

And I cannot forget.




I might read this post again tomorrow morning and decide to remove it.. then again, I might leave it up here. I hope I didn't offend anyone reading this.. specifically, one person. I tried not to mention it, but there really is no way to tell this story without involving you. I know.. and I think I can understand how it feels when they give it to you then tell you something along the lines of "oops, we're sorry, but it was supposed to be for someone else, not you". And I hope you'll understand where I'm coming from. I don't blame you.. the fault is mine alone. And I'm sorry you had to go through that.


Yeah I know that didn't make much sense. But it's only meant to make sense to one person.. and whoever else that understands it.


That, and perhaps I'm just feeling very emotional now.


Don't mind me.

You don't know how much it meant to me..