Understanding.

... because some things can never be.






"Can't be a two, there's one there.. no, not an eight either, hmm. One, four, nine.. Nine," she muttered, her brow creased into a thoughtful frown as she scribbled the number in the little box.

Two minutes later, she tossed the confounded Sudoku which couldn't be solved onto the table and brushed her fingers through her hair roughly. Sighing tragically and putting on a martyred expression, she uncurled herself from her favourite sofa.

"So many things to do, so little time.. there's the cooking, and the cleaning, and the laundry and, oh confound it all!" she thought to herself.

Kayla impatiently pushed the "Power On" button on her laptop and drummed her fingers on the glass table as she waited for it to come out of sleep mode. The log on screen finally came on, and fingers flying over the keys, she typed her password and hit "Enter". Once her desktop finished loading, she clicked open five webpages at once, expertly flicking over to another while one was loading. Double-clicking the Messenger icon, she signed in and did what she always did first - check whether he was online. Having completed her usual routine on the computer in under the usual five minutes and finding nothing of interest, she set her Messenger status to "Away" and was about to indulge in some choice swear words (cooking was SO not her thing), when something orange on the taskbar flashed. Automatically clicking the chat window open, she smiled as she saw who had sent her a message. She lowered herself onto her chair, tucking one leg under her and began to type.

Two hours and a VERY long online conversation later, Kayla stood up and stretched. Right on cue, the house phone rang. The moment she picked it up and said hello, a familiar voice spoke rapidly.

"Hey dear, what are you doing?? OMG, I have so many things to tell you!!"

"Haha, hi Trinni, you're hyper as always. I'm not doing much, why don't you come to my place and tell me everything?"

"Okay, I'll see you in a few!! Bye!"

Laughing at her friend's jovial spirit, Kayla hung up the phone. For a moment, she looked dismally at the mounting pile of dirty clothes and thought of the food she had yet to cook, but then shrugged it off. There's always tomorrow, and I'll definitely do it tomorrow, she thought. Anyway, sometimes sacrifices need to be made.. then she smiled again as her thoughts turned to her conversation with him.

A knock on her apartment door drove her thoughts towards curiousity at what her friend had to say to her.

4 hours later...

"Goodness, our girl talk sessions always last so long, although I don't feel as if even one hour has passed! I've got to head off now, dear, but don't forget what I said about him being your true love, okay?? I just KNOW. Don't argue with me, kay? Love you, bye!"

"Alright, alright, Trinni, whatever you say," Kayla said while rolling her eyes at her friend. "Take care, alright! See you soon!"

As Kayla shut the door behind Trinni, her mind drifted to Trinni's proclamation that he was her true love.

"I mean, come on, you talk to him so often! Like, always. Don't give me that look! Your face lights up when you talk about him. It really does, there's no use denying it!" Trinni had exclaimed, despite Kayla's many protests that they were just friends.

"Oh it's no use talking to you while you're SO in denial. You'll see that I'm right, one day, mark my words!" Trinni had finally said after receiving nothing but negatives from her.

Kayla straightened up the cushions on the sofa and tidied up the place, all the while thinking, "What nonsense! He and I both know that we're just really good friends. In any case, nothing is happening between us. I don't like him, and I probably never will, so that's that".

Little did Kayla know that she had never in her life been more mistaken. Two years passed, with nothing of any particular significance to note, with the exception of Kayla's growing discontentment with her relationship with him. There was nothing wrong with their friendship, nothing at all, and that was the problem. They were still just friends. Just friends, like all the years before, and probably for all the years to come.

"Trinni, I can't help it.. I want to forget about it, but I can't, I just can't," Kayla said with a sigh as her fingers tightened their grip on the phone.

"I know, dear, I know, it's hard. But why let go, when you still have hope?" Trinni asked.

"Because nothing's happening! And nothing is going to happen, I just know it," Kayla exclaimed melodramatically.

"Of course nothing's happening, you're not telling him how you feel!"

"But I know that he knows. I'm sure he knows. And I would never say it first. Call me old-fashioned, but I still firmly believe that the guy should be doing that, not the girl!"

"Goodness, you really are an old fashioned romantic. But I guess that's one of the things that makes you so ...... you".

"Thanks".

"But anyway, if that's the case, there's really nothing you can do that you haven't already done. I'd tell you to just get over it, except that I know it's really much easier said than done".

"I knew you'd understand".

"So, well.. you know, even though this sounds kind of mean and like, using people to your own advantage and stuff, but I still think the best way to get over a guy is to like another guy altogether".

"I know. And it's not like there aren't any other guys. It's just that the 'what ifs' are killing me when it comes right down to it. And I wouldn't, I couldn't, like two guys at once. I wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings either, by being only half there, you know?"

"Yeah, I guess you're right, if you put it that way. What can I say? Right now, all you have is two choices. One, forget about it and move on. Two, continue waiting, like you've been waiting all this while. Most people would tell you to choose option one, because it's been so long and nothing's happened. But until you find the willpower to give him up, you're not going to be able to do that. So it looks like you don't have much of a choice, huh?" Trinni said wryly.

Kayla bit back a sigh of frustration. "I just wish I knew what he was thinking. It would be so much easier if I only knew what was going on! It would be so much easier to get over it, if only he went and hooked up with some girl or something".

"I guess that's the problem with decent chaps," Trinni exclaimed with a laugh.

"Yeah. Guess I can't do anything for now. Anyway, I need to be off. Thanks for listening, I really appreciate it".

"Don't worry about it, I'm here anytime you need me. Take care, now!"

"I will, thanks, you too".

After putting the phone down, Kayla stared unseeingly at the small black ink spot on the white wall in front of her. Images of him flashed into her mind's eye. They were nothing but memories. She shut her eyes and exhaled slowly as she suppressed the recollections, one by one. She knew what she should do, what she had to do, if she was ever going to get on with her life. She also knew that she was not going to be able to do it anytime soon. Another sigh escaped her as she began to go through her daily routine.

Days passed, weeks passed. Kayla went through a roller coaster of emotions, sometimes feeling exulted that she had gotten over him, but only to despair, as her willpower crumbled a few days later. I'm over it, I'm moving on, she kept telling herself. It didn't make any difference. He still said nothing. But no matter what she kept telling herself, there was always, always, a tiny stirring of hope in her heart. Tiny, faint, maybe, but still there. Kayla tried to stamp out the tiny flicker. Nothing is going to happen, she said to herself. But once in a while, he would do something that made the flicker turn into a full-fledged bonfire. And a few days later it would subside back into a tiny flame.

Months passed. Slowly, Kayla felt her feelings for him begin to dull. There was still no one else that could take his place, but there were also no more fireworks, no more bonfires, and there was no tiny flicker of hope. All that was left was memories, not enough to light the flames again. But still, she held on. She did not know why anymore, but she still held on.

The phone rang.

"Kayla. Hey. You're not going to like this.." Trinni began.

"What is it? Tell me".

"Go to his profile. Picture 8".

"Alright, I'll check it out, thanks".

"Don't thank me yet," Trinni had said before putting down the phone.

Kayla walked to the computer. As soon as the screen came on, she opened the website and went to his profile with practiced speed. Picture 8. Click. She drummed her fingers on the keyboard while waiting for the picture to load.

Seven seconds later, the picture had loaded.

Two hours later, Kayla still had not moved.

The picture on the screen had not changed.

And as Kayla stared angrily through her tears at the picture of him and the girl, she felt the last shred of her feelings for him finally fade.

TheEnd.
-Caitlin K.-

I'm ready to give up everything for this.